Breaking free from people pleasing …

Breaking Free from People-Pleasing: Embracing Assertiveness for Mental Well-being

By: Marissa Pollet

In our journey towards mental well-being, one obstacle that many of us encounter is the tendency to be a people pleaser. While the desire to make others happy is commendable, it often comes at the cost of neglecting our own needs and mental health. Let’s explore the signs of being a people pleaser, the pros and cons of this behavior, and effective strategies for improving assertiveness.

Recognizing the Signs of People Pleasing:

1. Constant Need for Approval:
• Do you find yourself seeking validation from others, often sacrificing your own values and preferences to gain approval? The need for approval is one we all tend to value but as a people pleaser the need for approval overshadows our core values and places a greater emphasis on making sure you receive the approval from others beyond your own desires.

2. Difficulty Saying No:
• Saying "no" feels uncomfortable, and you often find yourself taking on more than you can handle to avoid disappointing others. Think about times in your life you were asked to do something you did not want to do but begrudgingly did anyway. How did that make you feel about yourself and even more so, the person you were unable to voice your feelings to about the situation. It is ok to be helpful to those you value, but at what cost to you if saying no is never an option?

3. Ignoring Personal Boundaries:
• Your boundaries are flexible, and you may compromise on your values or comfort to accommodate others.

4. Fear of Conflict:

• Conflict avoidance becomes a priority, leading to a reluctance to express your true thoughts or feelings. The fear of conflict is a huge factor in driving a people pleaser. The idea that you could have a friend or family member be angry at you is extremely worrisome. It makes it easier to just say yes or not express yourself to avoid potential conflict.

The Pros and Cons of People Pleasing:

The Good:

• Harmonious Relationships: People pleasers often foster positive relationships by prioritizing the needs of others. As a people pleaser you are able to have strong bonds with those you love. The people around you know that their needs will be met, and you are always there to lend a helping hand and endless support. It is wonderful to be able to put others ahead of yourself and love unconditionally.

• Team Player Mentality: Collaboration and teamwork thrive in environments where individuals prioritize group harmony. Working in a team at school, work or social situations will tend to be easier as the good of the group and making sure everyone is happy and supported is essential.

  The Bad:

• Self-Neglect: Constantly putting others first may lead to neglecting your own needs and mental well-being. Feeling as if you are always last is a hard role to maintain as a people pleaser. It is so important to recognize that your happiness matters and not neglect your own feelings and what makes you mentally strong.

• Resentment Build-Up: Unexpressed feelings and unmet needs can accumulate, leading to resentment and burnout. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness or that you failed to meet the needs of others. If you never say no, it will only further a sense of resentment towards those around you who may not even sense your burnout. Stop and listen to how you feel mentally and physically as your body needs love and self-care.

• Inauthenticity: People-pleasing can result in a loss of authenticity as you mold yourself to fit others' expectations. If you stop and think for a moment about how others view you and their expectations does it feel exhausting? If you have molded yourself into a role everyone expects you to play it’s ok to step out and be your authentic self and set the stage for how you would like to be perceived.

  Cultivating Assertiveness:

  1. Self-Reflection:

• Journaling: Regularly journal your thoughts and feelings to gain insights into your patterns of behavior.

2. Setting Boundaries:

• Identify Limits: Clearly define your personal and emotional boundaries to protect your

  well-being.

• Practice Saying No: Start with small requests to build confidence in asserting your boundaries. The first few times saying no will be the most challenging as you sit with the uncomfortable nature of your newfound self, but it will get easier. Take the time to be proud of your accomplishments and small successes!

  3. Effective Communication:

• Use "I" Statements: Express your thoughts and feelings using "I" statements to convey ownership and avoid blame.

• Active Listening: Cultivate the skill of active listening to understand others' perspectives while maintaining your own.

  4. Prioritizing Self-Care:

• Scheduled Self-Care: Dedicate time for self-care activities to prioritize your mental and emotional well-being.

• Learn to Prioritize: Understand that saying no to others sometimes means saying yes to yourself and your needs.

  Embracing a Balanced Approach:

  Breaking free from people-pleasing is a gradual process that involves self-awareness, self- compassion, and consistent practice. Remember that asserting your needs doesn't make you selfish; it's an essential step towards building authentic connections and nurturing your mental health. As you practice assertiveness, you'll find a more balanced and fulfilling way of engaging with the world, fostering genuine connections while honoring your own well-being.

Our team of caring professionals at Inspired Wellness are here to provide support and guidance towards your path of mental wellness. We believe that every individual has the ability to be the best version of themselves and our goal is to set you up with the tools to maintain a well-balanced life that will place you on the path towards lifelong change. We strive to create a non-judgmental environment coupled with therapeutic practices that are tailored towards each individual. At Inspired Wellness our team aims to do exactly as our name says, inspire you towards a beautiful life of strength and wellness!